Qualifier Quandry

When I wandered into my first Al-Anon meetings,  one of the trickiest things for me was learning the Al-Anon language.  There were many concepts and buzzwords thrown around by people in the meeting, and everyone but me seemed to know what they were talking about.  As a newcomer, I felt like they were speaking a vocabulary I wasn't privy to, but I stuck to it, read my conference approved literature, and eventually became equally versed in the language of recovery.

One of the things that I appreciate most is the care and thought that went into the conference approved literature of Al-Anon Family Groups, and 12-Step groups in general.  I found the recently published draft manuscript of the first Alcoholic's Anonymous big book fascinating.  The attention to detail in every word chosen was incredible, and partly for that reason, the literature has succeeded in bringing recovery to countless people over the last 75+ years.

So I'm going to go out on a limb here and air a frustration I've had for a while.  There's one buzz word used so heavily in meetings that I really wish would be banned from our vocabulary.   That word is "Qualifier".  Our conference approved literature states that the only requirement for membership in an Al-Anon group is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.  Somehow as a result, it has become common practice in meetings (at least the ones near me) to refer to that relative or friend as a "qualifier".  Al-Anoner's are typically rule freaks at heart, but I still think it's funny that we feel the need to justify our membership in the group by labeling another person as our "qualifier".

As newcomers, I know that's how we all feel.  We usually arrive at our first Al-Anon meeting thinking that someone else, our "qualifier", is the root of all our problems.  But the more we let recovery sink into our systems, we realize that we are our own worst enemy and that our focus, and our program, needs to be about ourselves, not the alcoholic we love.

So why is this word, "qualifier" used so heavily in meetings?  I don't recall seeing it in any conference approved literature, but I can't say that I've read everything, and maybe this is a term that is actually condoned.  I definitely can't call myself an expert on the matter, so what follows is purely my take on the topic.  Take what you like and leave the rest, as they say.

When I was a newcomer,  I admit that I also referred to my husband as my "qualifier".  I sought out Al-Anon because I didn't know what to do about my husband's drinking.  That was three and a half years ago, and he is now three years sober.  But I don't go to meetings anymore to figure out how to get him to stop drinking.   I go because it helps me to curb my own insanity and live a better life.

For me now, it feels as if calling my husband a "qualifier", or anyone else for that matter, both objectifies and degrades them.  Unintentionally maybe, but labels are a very dangerous thing.  When I look closely at it, it wasn't my husband that was my qualifier, it was the disease of alcoholism, which he and I both fully participated in.  He suffered from it as much as I did, and frankly, his progress in recovery has been swifter and much more spectacular than mine!  Now, when I refer to him in meetings, I call him my husband, or the love of my life.  That's what he is, drinking or not.  To call him my "qualifier" makes him my excuse, and if I am really living my program, I shouldn't need one of those.  The label, to me, hints at a lack of respect for the human being inside.

I may be completely off base here, and I encourage others to chime in on the subject.  I wanted to write about this because it's something that seems to bother me in meetings.  Often times that's because I am missing something or interpreting it badly, so I always try to keep my mind open.  Maybe I'm just a word nut and need to let it go already.  But after all the care that our founders put into the very specific words they used in the literature, I would like to think that we who carry on the tradition do the same.


Photo credit:  www.iStockphoto.com/11-11-11 © Natalia Vasina Vladimirovna