Power Struggle

“Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.”  Al-Anon's Step Two

If I am responsible for everything, then how did it get so out of control, I wonder? I acted as if things were really mine to control, mine to resolve, and mine alone to bear the consequences of.  I came to Al-Anon because all that was starting to make me insane.  I came to get help with the things that I no longer could keep within the confines of my so-called power, when I was forced to acknowledge that my power had confines.  Step One was starting to creep in under the façade.

I took it as my responsibility to cure all things and in doing so, left no room for anyone else to jump in and save the day, not even God, whoever or whatever that was.  With no faith in anyone or anything other than myself, the responsibility of my life was growing burdensome and I felt completely exhausted.

There’s a reason the literature uses the words, “a power greater than myself”.  For me, I came through the doors thinking that I was the only person in my life that I could rely on.  And though it felt horrible to be responsible for everything, there was quite a lot of ego that went along with that kind of thinking.  To admit that I needed help meant that I had to admit in some way, I wasn’t capable.  That was a tall hurdle I put in my own way.  I had grown twisted enough to think that if I wasn’t everything, I wasn’t enough, and it took a pretty big beat-down to get over that kind of egocentric thinking.

I had to start small when it came to faith.  I started with what I could see and hear right in front of me.  I am a doubter by nature, but sitting in the rooms of Al-Anon, I could feel a palpable strength coming from others in the room.  I could hear faith around me, even if I couldn’t muster any of my own.  With time, I witnessed the power of fellowship, and that power was helping to restore my sanity.  I didn’t know how, I just felt better.

The more I explored that concept of fellowship in the rooms, the more I was able to explore my own concept of God again.  I was able to look away from myself and begin to see the wealth of resources around me.  I didn’t need evidence to find my faith again, I needed a good swift kick off of my own power trip.  Alcoholism provided the punch I needed to be humbled, and Al-Anon kept me focused when I started to come to. 

I always thought that the alcoholics were the narcissistic ones, but I know now that the spectacle of my good-girl power trip fueled the alcoholism in my home like gasoline on a barn-fire.  For me, sanity and recovery had to start with humility.  It had to start with strong words like, “a power greater than myself”, and as I slowly began to trust faith again, my own sanity started to grow more visible.

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